The other day, my daughter and I went to a friend's house to try on formal dresses. (I am in need of something quick and inexpensive to chaperone Prom for the high school my hubby works for.) My friend, for some amazing reason, had about twenty dresses at her house and my daughter, came with at least twenty criticisms. I'm not sure I can explain how hurtful that was. I haven't allowed teasing or put downs about body shape/size/weight, etc. because I believe the body is a gift. I always told my daughters, "you never know what you're going to get" so why decide in advance what is beautiful and what isn't? Well, after the shock and the hurt, I was trying not to be angry. I finally took her face in my hands, and told her to stop talking. Later, I wrote her a note about it. Today, I was still upset and found myself stuck in "grumpy voice" suggesting apologies. I honestly couldn't believe my kind, thoughtful daughter was growing into a callous, arrogant woman.
This is the note I received in return:
Mom,
I apologize for hurting your feelings. This was not my intention. I'm actually jealous of your figure. I love your body. I'm totally without self-confidence, and that isn't all because of my friends. I have a totally amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman as a mother and I'm always comparing myself to you, wishing I was more like you. I didn't realize my comparisons were received as insults. I love you more than words can say and I am so very, very sorry that I hurt you. I wish I felt comfortable enough to tell you this in person, but well, there you are. I'm sorry. I love you.
In the note I wrote, I acknowledged that her so-called "friends" make cutting criticisms all of the time and that I hope she would find people to surround herself with who don't hurt her feelings to make themselves feel better. I had no idea that this ever confident inspiration of a child was hurting already or comparing herself to me. One never knows what is inside the heart and head of another. This is why forgiveness is for ourselves.
This is the note I received in return:
Mom,
I apologize for hurting your feelings. This was not my intention. I'm actually jealous of your figure. I love your body. I'm totally without self-confidence, and that isn't all because of my friends. I have a totally amazing, brilliant, beautiful woman as a mother and I'm always comparing myself to you, wishing I was more like you. I didn't realize my comparisons were received as insults. I love you more than words can say and I am so very, very sorry that I hurt you. I wish I felt comfortable enough to tell you this in person, but well, there you are. I'm sorry. I love you.
In the note I wrote, I acknowledged that her so-called "friends" make cutting criticisms all of the time and that I hope she would find people to surround herself with who don't hurt her feelings to make themselves feel better. I had no idea that this ever confident inspiration of a child was hurting already or comparing herself to me. One never knows what is inside the heart and head of another. This is why forgiveness is for ourselves.
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