Love and Debate (2006)

When choosing this movie, starring Sean Astin, Gina Phillips, and Adam Rodriguez, I was expecting a little lighthearted romance.  Little did I know that writer/director Jessica Kavana would be working some hard hitting issues into the mix.  Jordan (Gina Phillips) is a Latin American Jew who dreams of bigger things than settling down with "one of her kind."  She joins the Debate team as a senior and finds a gift that takes her all the way to Harvard.  Along the way, she is raped by a fellow debater and chooses to throw herself into life without saying a word out of shame and embarrassment (not to mention shock and denial).

I had no idea that I would be facing some startling parallels of my own with this character.  Although the film passed gently over Jordan's healing process (including throwing her dreams away in a bad sexual relationship, drug and alcohol use, and losing her scholarship).  It did attempt to address the issue (even including a glimpse at body memories), which is more than most modern media does.  It was intriguing to watch a character work her own way through the "victim" mentality and come out strong in the end - strong enough to face her rapist eye to eye.

What I liked most about this movie was its positive energy and strength.  Jordan, determined not to have everything stolen from her, pushed herself instead of hiding in the fear.  In the end, she learned how to trust her own instincts again and even free her heart.  As a survivor of abuse and rape, I know that trusting yourself - your own judgement - is one of the most difficult things to relearn.  It is possible and I am glad to see an important story like this portrayed on film.

Failure

Life is full of stuff that doesn't work out as planned or in direct proportion to our best efforts.  Not too long ago, I had a little disagreement with some friends on facebook over whether or not failure is a valid part of life.  My friends argued that as long as you keep trying, you haven't failed.  I disagreed.  I believe that "keep trying" part is because you HAVE failed and have decided to continue to make an effort.

Tonight I learned that sometimes the failure can be in the continuing to try.  Not recognizing one's own limitations to a degree that costs time, energy, and money can be a costly mistake.  How often do we choke when we "bite off more than we can chew"?  Every time.  And the water isn't always waiting to help us wash down the tasteless, awkward portions we've chosen to gulp into our throats.  Not saying "when" or "NO" for that matter when we really need to say it is a fail. 

Persistence is one thing.  Stubborn stupidity is another.

On the other hand, if we said no to every scary, character building, talent stretching opportunity that came our way, we'd rarely learn and maybe never know success.  I don't like to say no for this reason, but am becoming increasingly more careful about what I say "yes" to due to family obligations and health issues. 

Tonight, I failed.  In fact, the entire week previous to this post has been one failure after another.  I'm out of time.  I'm out of resources.  There is nothing left in me to make another attempt, and it wouldn't matter if there were.  The deadline is in front of me and I must walk away.  My head isn't high even though I gave it my all.  My best wasn't nearly good enough and, today, that leaves me ashamed of myself.  Ashamed for my self-assurance.  Ashamed for the resources that were wasted.  Ashamed that I didn't recognize my own limits and save others from the shared disappointment. 

All I can do after I sleep is to pick myself up, forgive myself, and move on with the morning.  It won't change that I have failed in this thing.  But, hopefully, it will mean that I learned something from it so I won't feel the need to repeat the epic fail.