It has been a few more days. I have been pretending things are normal again. I even went to church yesterday and taught a Sunday School lesson on King Hezekiah (2 Chronicles 29-30). But, that doesn't mean this is over.
The process known as "involution" is when the uterus cramps down tight like a fist in order to return to its pre-pregnancy size. It's not so bad after the first pregnancy, but increases in discomfort with every birthing process. I find it ironic that these cramps have been come to be known as "afterpains". After pain? I'm still in pain. Granted, it is not the same type of pain. These contractions are literally a different format. The uterus is a pretty incredible muscle/organ considering the very little control we have over it. There is no exercise we can do to make it stronger. Which means there is nothing I can do now to make this part go more quickly.
Well...there's not "nothing". After giving birth to a baby, kneading the fundus is imperative in helping the body expel tissue and prevent clots. Doing this yourself -- before the nurses get to you -- can save you from a lot of pain. Trust me. I've been working on this myself, but it is difficult at this stage of the pregnancy because the fundal height was still so small. It may be this smallness that is throwing me off still. I have given birth several times and am underestimating the process of miscarriage.
Because I am choosing to do this naturally, from home, the miscarriage gets another name "expectant management". Again, an ill-chosen name. As an expectant mother, I am having a miscarriage because there was nothing I could do to manage the pregnancy and prevent the loss. I'm not managing anything here. I'm just watching it all happen. It is a trauma suffered from inside the body because I have no control or input about what is happening. I can only breathe and watch and wait. I feel a psychological disconnect in many ways. It is unbelievable. My body has never not carried a baby to term. I don't understand the level of physical pain. I'm surprised by it.
I was also surprised by the diarrhea. For two days, my body purged nearly every which way it could. I was afraid it might be a sign of infection or something gone wrong, but discovered it is a normal response to the intensely fluctuating hormones. Remember when Shania Twain made feeling like a woman so sexy? Yeah. Not so much right now.
I am crying again today. I didn't cry for a couple of days, but there is no baby. There is only pain and weakness. When the tight, burning cramps of involution occur, there is no little one suckling for milk to distract me -- no small, perfect face to gaze on nor soft fuzzy skin to touch and breathe in the amniotic newness of. I am disappointed. I am relieved. I am angry. I am sad.
Disappointed that the little one I've been dreaming about for over a year isn't coming.
Relieved that, as bad as this is, it has happened naturally without the need for surgery.
Angry that it is happening at all.
Sad.
The process known as "involution" is when the uterus cramps down tight like a fist in order to return to its pre-pregnancy size. It's not so bad after the first pregnancy, but increases in discomfort with every birthing process. I find it ironic that these cramps have been come to be known as "afterpains". After pain? I'm still in pain. Granted, it is not the same type of pain. These contractions are literally a different format. The uterus is a pretty incredible muscle/organ considering the very little control we have over it. There is no exercise we can do to make it stronger. Which means there is nothing I can do now to make this part go more quickly.
Well...there's not "nothing". After giving birth to a baby, kneading the fundus is imperative in helping the body expel tissue and prevent clots. Doing this yourself -- before the nurses get to you -- can save you from a lot of pain. Trust me. I've been working on this myself, but it is difficult at this stage of the pregnancy because the fundal height was still so small. It may be this smallness that is throwing me off still. I have given birth several times and am underestimating the process of miscarriage.
Because I am choosing to do this naturally, from home, the miscarriage gets another name "expectant management". Again, an ill-chosen name. As an expectant mother, I am having a miscarriage because there was nothing I could do to manage the pregnancy and prevent the loss. I'm not managing anything here. I'm just watching it all happen. It is a trauma suffered from inside the body because I have no control or input about what is happening. I can only breathe and watch and wait. I feel a psychological disconnect in many ways. It is unbelievable. My body has never not carried a baby to term. I don't understand the level of physical pain. I'm surprised by it.
I was also surprised by the diarrhea. For two days, my body purged nearly every which way it could. I was afraid it might be a sign of infection or something gone wrong, but discovered it is a normal response to the intensely fluctuating hormones. Remember when Shania Twain made feeling like a woman so sexy? Yeah. Not so much right now.
I am crying again today. I didn't cry for a couple of days, but there is no baby. There is only pain and weakness. When the tight, burning cramps of involution occur, there is no little one suckling for milk to distract me -- no small, perfect face to gaze on nor soft fuzzy skin to touch and breathe in the amniotic newness of. I am disappointed. I am relieved. I am angry. I am sad.
Disappointed that the little one I've been dreaming about for over a year isn't coming.
Relieved that, as bad as this is, it has happened naturally without the need for surgery.
Angry that it is happening at all.
Sad.
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