The title of this post may be too soon. I don't feel normal, but I am getting back to life. A miscarriage is one of the health issues protected by the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). However, as the only breadwinner in my family, in the process of foreclosure, trying to have enough to move my family of seven into a new place, I just couldn't request the time.
Back to work.
I am lucky to be working an office job. There is a great deal of sitting and air conditioning. I am also lucky to be working with many women who are being quietly understanding of what has happened. Today is my second day back. I ache all over. My uterus burns and my thighs are worn out. I feel like I've run a marathon, but I didn't win a medal and there's no t-shirt -- no color or mud-splattered photos to mark the intensity or endurance.
Yesterday, one of our client's sitters canceled at the last minute. She brought her three month old baby girl with her to her appointment. Sophia just cooed at me before going back. So, when she began to cry enough to disrupt the meeting and they were almost done, I offered to take her out and keep her entertained. She gazed at the fluorescent lights with her big brown eyes full of wonder and I smelled like baby for the next hour. I hadn't thought of how I would feel when I offered to be helpful. Not that I regret being helpful. But, I was doing so well to keep myself distracted trying to catch up on a week of missed work. After that, I sat in the hall and got teary-eyed.
I think I kept it together pretty well knowing I didn't want to explain it to a colleague or a client.
I definitely don't feel "normal" yet. There is still pain and weakness physically and I still feel... both raw and disjointed at the same time emotionally. Staring down all of the havoc that is currently my life yesterday, some part of my brain almost dared to say, "Maybe it's for the best." That was not what I was ready to hear, even from myself, and I began sobbing on my way to work. What prompted the thought, I believe, was an article I read about how often miscarriage occurs and why -- mostly citing biological trouble with the developing (or undeveloping) fetus. I'd had a headache, non-stop, for weeks. I was chalking it up to stress. (I was chalking all of my pregnancy symptoms up to stress.) I had only just acknowledged the pregnancy. I had only just prayed to ask if something was wrong that was causing the headaches. (The only other time I'd had an ache like this was when my third pregnancy began to be toxic - preeclampsia.) Something was wrong.
And now, even though my body has done the "right" thing and seems to be doing it normally and well, my thoughts are in limbo...I feel like I've pressed pause so I can function and smile and help others and be kind and do my job(s) even though I'd very much like to go home and go back to bed and sleep until the pain goes away in every way.
Back to work.
I am lucky to be working an office job. There is a great deal of sitting and air conditioning. I am also lucky to be working with many women who are being quietly understanding of what has happened. Today is my second day back. I ache all over. My uterus burns and my thighs are worn out. I feel like I've run a marathon, but I didn't win a medal and there's no t-shirt -- no color or mud-splattered photos to mark the intensity or endurance.
Yesterday, one of our client's sitters canceled at the last minute. She brought her three month old baby girl with her to her appointment. Sophia just cooed at me before going back. So, when she began to cry enough to disrupt the meeting and they were almost done, I offered to take her out and keep her entertained. She gazed at the fluorescent lights with her big brown eyes full of wonder and I smelled like baby for the next hour. I hadn't thought of how I would feel when I offered to be helpful. Not that I regret being helpful. But, I was doing so well to keep myself distracted trying to catch up on a week of missed work. After that, I sat in the hall and got teary-eyed.
I think I kept it together pretty well knowing I didn't want to explain it to a colleague or a client.
I definitely don't feel "normal" yet. There is still pain and weakness physically and I still feel... both raw and disjointed at the same time emotionally. Staring down all of the havoc that is currently my life yesterday, some part of my brain almost dared to say, "Maybe it's for the best." That was not what I was ready to hear, even from myself, and I began sobbing on my way to work. What prompted the thought, I believe, was an article I read about how often miscarriage occurs and why -- mostly citing biological trouble with the developing (or undeveloping) fetus. I'd had a headache, non-stop, for weeks. I was chalking it up to stress. (I was chalking all of my pregnancy symptoms up to stress.) I had only just acknowledged the pregnancy. I had only just prayed to ask if something was wrong that was causing the headaches. (The only other time I'd had an ache like this was when my third pregnancy began to be toxic - preeclampsia.) Something was wrong.
And now, even though my body has done the "right" thing and seems to be doing it normally and well, my thoughts are in limbo...I feel like I've pressed pause so I can function and smile and help others and be kind and do my job(s) even though I'd very much like to go home and go back to bed and sleep until the pain goes away in every way.
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